11 Makeup Tips from a Model Scared of MACⓒ
1) Late night last night? Somehow sleep through the “foolproof” ten alarms you have set at 5-minute intervals? Did your milk enter your cereal in solid form? Or perhaps your “relaxing” morning started off with burned PopTarts, spilled coffee, saying a Bad Word in front of Little Susie, and then a subway train delayed not once, not twice, but three times? Two words. Freaking Mondays. Well, that too.(I said Fudge!) But, Bright Lipstick. You’ll instantly look put-together and ready to take on the day. Available in Totally-Not-Tired-Taupe, Prepped-For-This-Presentation-Pink, Mommy’s-Gonna-Make-It-Mauve, and Guess-Who-Had-Time-For-Yoga-and-a-Kale-Smoothie. Found wherever similar products, including leather-bound planners, well-fitting blazers, and freaking Boxed Water, are sold.
2) I’ll start this off by mentioning that this tip has nothing to do with neither babies nor pornography. Sound concerning? ‘Merica! Anyway: after putting on lipstick, take a second to stick your thumb in your mouth as if you were going to suck on it, close your lips, and pull it out. You’ll never have lipstick on your teeth again. Feel like an infant who lost his pacifier? Don’t worry - Grown Ups have these too! They’re called Facebook Likes. Or Credit Cards. Find it at Adults-R-US: An accidental-entire-bottle-of-wine is Big Suzie’s favourite sippy cup.
3) Looking in the mirror is confusing. The most beautiful girl I know stands in front of the mirror pinching her side. I firmly believe that a friend of mine’s art belongs in museums - she’s scared to even post on an anonymous Tumblr blog. I have no doubt that some of the smartest men on earth glance in the mirror and, for a second, wonder if they’d get that raise if they swallowed their pride and went for the comb-over. Screw mirrors - I wish people could see themselves reflected in others’ eyes. But, I shouldn’t see my reflection in your lip gloss.
4) If I say your face is a work of art, I don’t mean that it’s the canvas. You’re not a blank page in a colouring book- you’re the colourful, finished one that makes me smile whenever I flip through Zendoodles. If you keep adding pigment onto your canvas, it gets soggy. If you keep colouring in marker on the paper, it rips and bleeds onto your nice new coffee table. You’re not a canvas- I can get one of those for 12 bucks at Michaels. I can print a colouring page off the internet. You’re the whole masterpiece to me.
5) Your “I had the most horrific morning and had to chase my dog two miles and then my landlord came and then my car broke down and the traffic was HORRIBLE” reason for being an hour late loses just a touch of credibility when you arrive to meet your loved one looking like you’re professionally prepped for a Glamour photoshoot. Some of the greatest ocean paintings of Aivazovsky reportedly took half an hour to paint. They’re hanging in the Metropolitan or in the Hermitage. Don’t be an hour late for the sake of displaying contoured cheeks, drawn on eyebrows, fake lashes, overlined lips, and other results of face-poking. We’re meeting to study- in a Dunkin Donuts.
6) Stephen King denoted three types of terror: The “Gross-Out” is a fear of the gory or disgusting. “Horror” is a fear of monsters with claws or car-sized spiders or Big Scary Things. Lastly, there’s “Terror”- a fear of the ambiguous, the creepy: the fear we experience when we’re forced to doubt our eyes. It’s why most people find masks unsettling. Just putting it out there - it sounds mildly terrifying when you announce, with pride that it “only takes you twenty minutes to put your face on in the morning,” I’m getting my teddy bear.
7) Liquid eyeliner and intimidating bosses have a lot in common. Hear me out for a second. Your boss is Scary. You have a presentation to show tomorrow. You’re nervous. You want it to be perfect. You tweak one little thing. Then another. You’ll adjust the template a bit. Now the spacing is off. You’ll tweak the text size. Now you have to change the font. Now the company logo doesn’t match. It’s all going downhill. You stay up all night, and stumble into the office the next morning looking incredibly hungover, with a now-ruined presentation.
The eyeliner is bold, black, with a fancy applicator. You want it to be perfect. The left eye looks fine. Is the right one just a tad thinner? Just one last stroke. Wait, no, one more on the other eye. Now just to extend the cat-eye here a smidge. And now on the other eye. Just one more brushstroke. Okay, two more. You look up. Say hello to your middle-school-emo-phase dropping in for a visit. Now you’re late, and there’s no time to fix it. Bosses and Liquid Liner can both smell fear. Usually best to just wing it.
8) Your brows may be the one thing you can get in shape without heading off to Planet Fitness, but most people admire a girl who’s stronger than her eyebrows. There’s something gloriously old-fashioned and simple about waking up with your eyebrows already on your face.
9) Makeup may be an art, but most would agree that it lets you become a painter, not a dessert chef. Caking on layers of foundation like you’re creating a fancy layered wedding cake on your face isn’t the way to go. You’re sweet enough already.
10) “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show” is a glorious line. It also belongs in a Disney movie. Wearing too much concealer is one of those times when you’re revealing more than you’re covering up. Besides, hiding the signs of hard work is overrated. The bags under my eyes are designer.
11) You don’t need to flutter fake eyelashes to fly.
