A Monthly Report Card Later Than A Pregnant Woman's...Nevermind
Let's Start With Something Obvious. It's not February anymore. The case cannot even be made that it's "Early March," regardless of the fact that the weather forecast still promises "massive snowstorms" with the frequency that I promise to stop abusing snooze buttons on cold mornings. If this were a Valentine's Day present, some poor forgetful sould would probably be facing a night of attempted silent treatment followed by passive-aggressive remarks and overly-loud sighs. In my (very weak) defense, I received an email yesterday, finally revealing to me my score on a financial literacy test I took three years ago. My neighbourhood dentist annually sends out a faux-handwritten reminder that "Better Late Than Never" does not apply to annual dental checkups. Luckily for you, I have no intention of tilting your head back, sticking a bunch of sharp tools in your mouth, and then proceeding to ask you "So, how have things been in the office lately?" So, with the same level of meek shame that I used to have when I handed over manila envelopes containing my grades to my parents...here goes?
I've been told once or twice that I could play Alice in Wonderland, and I guess we do have some things in common. We both have long blond hair. She falls down rabbit holes; I fall down the black hole that is Wikipedia. We both sometimes drink things we probably oughtn't. And, if her musing is true, then we're both expert-level when it comes to giving ourselves great advice and not actually following it. So... this is Late. I have no Very Important Date. But, dear Hypocritical Masha- here is a report card for you.
The Book
I am pleased to report that Masha has continued to make progress (at her intended rate) on her BIG REAL BOOK. The student has, however, reached a point where further progress is becoming increasingly dependent on her “overcoming a source of academic apprehension,” or, in other terms, her Stopping Being a Titmouse And Sending a SCARY EMAIL.
I will attempt to, hopefully, expose and draw attention (namely Masha’s attention) to how pusillanimous she is being. I shall report a list of excuses the student (who claims to live dangerously enough to carry three identical, unlabeled Metrocards in the same pocket) regularly uses to justify her cowardice.
“I can’t email them in the morning! What if I reach them before their first cup of coffee! Think about me in the morning! I’m about as open to new ideas as are the Amish!”
“I’m stuck in the blood pressure machine in the grocery store and I can’t get out!”
“What if they’re napping?” “What if they WANT to be napping?”
“It’s REALLY nice outside.”
“Doesn’t it sound awfully productive for me to say I’m busy checking the most recent updates on the maximum interest rates outlined by usury law?”
“Maybe I’ll ACTUALLY update my computer!”
I like to encourage my students to use the Thesaurus. All of the above are honestly synonyms for “But, but publishing this would be Masha’s biggest wish come true and she’s really really scared she’ll find some way to gloriously make a mess of it all.”
Books, Heels, And Heights
"Masha Once Again Bumped Into A Stranger On The Train With a Bulky, Pointy, Hardcover Book! You Have to Know What He Did Next!”
Actually, you don’t. He just glared at me for a second and muttered “God, get a Kindle.”
In my defense, you can’t make satisfying stacks of “read” Kindles.
Stretching, and Five Misnomers You Won’t Believe!
A strategy I’m sure every student has employed, in situations of doubt and desperation, is searching for answers among the terms used in the question. Some teachers, bless their souls, are kind enough to create questions in which this hack of hopelessness bites the poor student in the arse.
- Chinese checkers aren’t a form of checkers. Nor are they from China. (The game, invented in Germany in the 1890’s, was renamed in the 20s for to increase consumer appeal.)
- The Horned Toad and the Slow Worm are both Species of Lizard
- Velvet Ants (apparently insects can get fashionable too,) are actually wasps
- Panama hats come from Ecuador
- Napoleon’s “Hundred Days” Actually Lasted 111 Days.
Speaking of which, most Yearly Resolutions don’t even last 111 days. A solid 60% don’t even make thirty days.
Most Yoga Pants never make it to Yoga.
I am almost Clickbait-Title levels of shocked to report that Masha has actually kept up with her resolution to stretch oversplits daily, and that her highlighter-coloured activewear actually sees the hypnotizingly-dim light of yoga studios on a very regular basis. In all honesty, this is slightly disappointing, as I’d maintained a bit of hope that the aesthetically-pleasing, colour-coordinated stacks of leggings in Masha’s closet would maintain themselves due to never being touched.
"Nourish," and a Lesson in Ecology
When analyzing the inhabitants of various biological ecosystems, students study the Food Energy Pyramid,is a graphical model of energy flow in a community. The different levels represent different groups of organisms that might compose a food chain. An energy pyramid’s shape shows how the amount of useful energy that enters each level — chemical energy in the form of food — decreases as it is used by the organisms in that level. Masha has recently had the slightly shocking realization that herbivores qualify as “Primary Producers.”
Students are encouraged to find ways to apply what they’ve learned in science class to their own lives. It appears that Masha has taken her role as a primary producer in stride by becoming a primary producer of blank word docs labeled “Midterm Study Guide.” The “useful energy” she apparently contains seems to be proportional to the number of coffee-mug rings found on every single one of her goddamn homework assignments.
On a side note, Masha continues to be so, so incredibly grateful that her health continues to be stable. She's honestly ever so slightly afraid of admitting just how happy and thankful she is that she's lucky enough to be able to live her life with so, so much less worry and with so many abilities she was scared she'd never have again.
Concerning Breaches of Academic Honesty: The Student Exudes A False Image of Competence, Class, and Comprehension
A List of Cheat Sheets Found on Masha's Phone
- An extensive list of Imperial To Metric Conversions. It ought to be noted that, in elementary schooll Masha took a great deal of tests and quizzes on these (and realized for the first time that even the Papa-that knows-everything can’t explain why on earth the ounces that you buy oranges in are not the same ounces that orange juice is measured in.) Either way, 9-Year-Old-Masha stands disappointed.
A list of 32 bloody random battles from various historical periods, including the 925 B.C. Battle of Bitter Lakes, and the Battle of the Camel in 656. I am ashamed to report that the sole purpose of the student’s maintenance of this list to casually bring said events up in smalltalk on days when she does something very blonde and needs a pick-me-up.
The optimal preparation temperature and brewing time for a solid fifteen varieties of tea.
A gracefully titled “What The Fuck Is Gluten and What Few Foods are Free From Its Nonbinding Wrath"
An occasionally-updated ranking of her professors’ chances of survival of a near-apocalypse
A note solely containing “UNLIKE YOUR REPORT CARD, PROFESSOR HAS ONLY ONE F.” The number of embarassing emails before that note’s creation is an extreme embarrassment.
"Areas For Improvement," AKA: A Resolution so Utterly Failed it will BLOW YOUR MIND
Except that it won’t. Any readers of this have already somehow survived a year of seven-dollar asparagus water, campaigns for fat-free vodka, and designer crocs. The only thing that can blow my mind is an AR-15 assault rifle, and it’s far too soon to make any joke on that in something school related.
So, on a final non-mindblowing comment to the student: You appear to be less capable of getting even a remotely-acceptable amount of sleep than those “touchscreen-friendly” gloves that you bought at a sketchy stand for 2 dollars are of actually functioning (and that’s REALLY saying something.) Please. Be a good student, go read that bestselling picture book, and Go the Fuck to Sleep.
