I might as well put it out there that I may very well occasionally be eight going on eighteen. I probably consume far too much coffee and far too little chocolate. I refuse to carry umbrellas and I haven't the foggiest idea how to use nail polish. Now that confessions are over - I'm glad you're here.
All tagged funny
Error 404: “Will to put on pants” Not Found?
This one’s for those days that seem too sucky for skinny jeans.
I told myself I’d sit and write. For two hours, straight. No breaks except for the ladies’ room, for occasional pacing, and for refilling my coffee cup. You know, for the bare necessities. I said that, by the end of the day, (or at least before I sleep,) I’d finish this. Fun fact: it’s not going so smoothly. If this were a razor, it would not get a sexy Venus “smooth as silk” commercial. But I’ve got to do this- I promised.
A little awkward is good sometimes - it gives me opportunities to improve the speed with which I can whip out my phone and scroll through my email with the urgency of someone trying to open their admissions decision from Harvard. Besides, no matter where the awkward moment falls on the “Forgetting-A-Name to Turning-On-Facetime-On-The-Toilet” spectrum, it definitely can’t be as bad as those years nobody bothered to tell Little Masha that not everyone heard colours.
If you’ve ever ridden the subway with a small child, you’ll know that it’s quite the adventure.
But, those kids off to Kumon or to after-school ballet are just looking for something I haven’t found yet. Like the stuffed Mammoth I lost at the zoo. Or an actual reason to put pumpkin in coffee. Or the key to being truly happy. Or, just how to keep my life in balance.
It may be inevitable that we will judge all of our experiences and track the degree to which we’re “living our best life” with more vigilance than we millennials track the value of Bitcoin.I can’t promise that a positive attitude will solve all your problems, but I promise that in the worst case, it will annoy the bloody hell out of enough downers to make it worth it.
Take a moment to think back to a time when you were presented a comprehensive, crystal-clear instruction. Maybe it was: “Do Not Microwave,” or “Do Not Open Door: Alarm Will Sound.” Or, perhaps something along the lines of “Do Not Enter: High Voltage,”or “Warning: Read Instructions Before Using.”If, for a moment, we shift our focus from the generally-skimmed-over text on packing labels to, arguably, the most read text on Earth, we do not escape examples of near-omniscient superiours giving clear instructions that more so “direct mandates,” than they are “bits of friendly advice.”
