I might as well put it out there that I may very well occasionally be eight going on eighteen. I probably consume far too much coffee and far too little chocolate. I refuse to carry umbrellas and I haven't the foggiest idea how to use nail polish. Now that confessions are over - I'm glad you're here.
All in theory
Error 404: “Will to put on pants” Not Found?
This one’s for those days that seem too sucky for skinny jeans.
Twenty minutes, five dollars, and a quarter of a sweetened cappuccino later, the number of scrapped grand beginnings on the first pages of the legal pad had increased by two.
A little awkward is good sometimes - it gives me opportunities to improve the speed with which I can whip out my phone and scroll through my email with the urgency of someone trying to open their admissions decision from Harvard. Besides, no matter where the awkward moment falls on the “Forgetting-A-Name to Turning-On-Facetime-On-The-Toilet” spectrum, it definitely can’t be as bad as those years nobody bothered to tell Little Masha that not everyone heard colours.
New Year’s is a time when we tend to think a lot about the stories we’re going to open 2019 with. As the clock struck midnight, we tell the tale of How Much We Actually Really Love Going Clubbing or of How We’ve Always Loved Stilettos More Than Sweatpants. The next morning, we’re going to tell the story of How We Got A Sixpack. Or of How We Stopped Wasting Our Time Watching Netflix. Or Stopped Drinking.
It may be inevitable that we will judge all of our experiences and track the degree to which we’re “living our best life” with more vigilance than we millennials track the value of Bitcoin.I can’t promise that a positive attitude will solve all your problems, but I promise that in the worst case, it will annoy the bloody hell out of enough downers to make it worth it.
Many of us, at some point, have set out to acquire a six-pack, an effortless handstand, fluency in French, an intimate knowledge of up-and-coming alternative rock bands, or some other quality that looks great in a dating-app profile.
Whatever you deem your practice - be it yoga, a musical instrument, nagging your husband about not cleaning the lint screen in the dryer, or always being that annoyingly chirpy co worker who’s always first in the office and greets everyone with “Hey Sunshine!” - that practice must become a fundamental pillar of your existence - like eating, drinking, and sleeping.
Take a moment to think back to a time when you were presented a comprehensive, crystal-clear instruction. Maybe it was: “Do Not Microwave,” or “Do Not Open Door: Alarm Will Sound.” Or, perhaps something along the lines of “Do Not Enter: High Voltage,”or “Warning: Read Instructions Before Using.”If, for a moment, we shift our focus from the generally-skimmed-over text on packing labels to, arguably, the most read text on Earth, we do not escape examples of near-omniscient superiours giving clear instructions that more so “direct mandates,” than they are “bits of friendly advice.”
We live in a world where it shouldn’t be hard to identify someone’s location. It’s 9AM, and I know where all of my friends are. But, do we know how to listen?
So, why do all of these beautiful people look like we just stepped on their foot? Or like their dog just died? Why do supermodels never smile? Do they all just have horrific teeth?
Perfect ideas have certainly gotten us into enough trouble. Communism, Utopias, Subprime Mortgages. Fun times. Searching for perfect people is why we call hopeless romantics hopeless. It’s also why we have online dating. And divorces.
We spend most of our days hightailing it between shockingly few locations. Home- Work- Home. Home- Work- Home. Home-Work-Grocery Store- Home. Home-Work-Liquor Store. Home-Work- Our Secretary's House. Sorry, uh...watching football?
14. People are a lot more open to the idea of ingesting something called “Nutritional Yeast” after a couple of beers.
I have a lot to be grateful for. Okay, don’t you run off now! Shockingly, I’m not about to go off on some rant about hugging trees and offer you a puff of some “special spinach”. We don’t need to go off the deep end yet.
The Daily Life Starter Pack. Meme-Free and hard to put your finger on. Although you probably shouldn’t try - that’s how we get Sexual Harassment suits nowadays. At once comforting and embarrassing. Yet, as impossible to deny as a video footage from last Friday night, and as permanent as a tattoo. What? No, nothing Mom.
So, consider this a meek defense of the long-lost art of the phone call. Go read that motivational quote on Pinterest. Take a deep breath. Put on the coffee pot. Crack your knuckles- it doesn’t cause arthritis.
Phone calls. You got this.
Do you have hands? Excellent. That's a good start. Can you hold a pencil? Great. If you have a sketchbook, open it and start by making a line, a mark, wherever. Doodle.
- Chris Riddel
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