How I'm Able To Be In Ten Places At Once - And How You Can Do It, Too!
As someone who recently, a couple of minutes after promising myself that I’d start my Ethics homework, decided to reread the Harry Potter series, I find J.K.Rowling’s creation of the Time Turner quite intriguing. A Time Turner is a timepiece shaped like an hourglass necklace that is used for time travel, and at one point enabled Hermione to live on a logistically-impossible school schedule. As appealing as that sounds for someone who clearly has incredible time-management skills, a device that lets us be in multiple places at once is far from imaginary. In fact, I’d argue I probably do this every day - and you probably do too.
Allow me to demonstrate. Let’s have a conversation. How are you? Tell me about your day. Tell me about your commute. Tell me about something you’re proud of. Tell me about something that’s bothering you. Tell me a story. I’ll listen- I swear, but oh, the places I’ll go.
Let’s Start With Jump Street
Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes, even the best of us need to flip out. The best we can do is learn to bounce back. In pursuit of reaching new heights, some days we’ll be about to hit the roof and, on days, we’re over the moon. This is the point where I realize I might need to chill with the terrible trampoline jokes - maybe three cups of coffee has made me a bit jumpy. It may have been far too long since I’ve scared my mom by doing flips on an unsecured backyard trampoline, but for all you know, I’m ‘bout to bounce right now. You’re still talking? I assumed I knew where all this was going five minutes after your first sentence. Sorry? Did you just say my ass looks great? Oh no, it’s not SoulCycle. I just burn hella calories jumping to conclusions.
Let’s See The Mind Reader
Across the street from my old apartment was a lovely little ground-floor business with a rather dusty awning that, I think, was once a pale green. For surprisingly affordable rates, it offered “New York City’s Best Physic Readings.” I have to admit, I never came to be a patron, although I was vaguely tempted to hesitantly tiptoe in the day before college admissions were released. I can only imagine that I would have been greeted by a lovely little old lady wrapped in veils of the finest imported space-time fabric, who would sit me down and ensure that I understood the gravity of my situation. That I shouldn’t fall for him even if he’s very attractive. That since even my worst problems have no mass and take up no space, they don’t really matter. I’m not sure what sort of qualifications one needs to obtain to pursue a career as a Physic Reader - I’d assume a basic misunderstanding of spelling might get my foot in the door. But, I sure hope you don’t need any sort of license to play the part of a psychic mind reader, since we do that every day. I know exactly what you meant by that. I’m sure I know how that made you feel. Who needs to ask actual questions when I’m the best Physic out there?
One Sec- There’s Something In My Pants
Did you just hear that buzz? Something’s vibrating. I’m sorry, I was fantasizing - I just got a huge hit of dopamine. Something’s humming in my pants. Oh, dear god, calm down - it’s not a sex toy- I’m talking about my iPhone. You see, I just felt my pocket buzz, and this conversation just became as out-of-the-picture as teenage Britney Spears or last year’s flatform trend. There are just so many things that ring could mean. Maybe my boss sent me an email saying he’ll finally give me that promotion. Maybe I won a free coffee at Starbucks! Maybe my Ex finally decided to text me back. Or my Mom found my Fun Brownies. Or, perhaps, some producer noticed my last selfie and I’m about to become InstaFamous. I can handle anything except temptation - I swear I meant to stay focused, but it’s just so much more tempting to picture my Notifications screen instead of that article you mentioned.
Let’s Visit La-La Land
Speaking of songs that are out of the picture - remember the “La La Land” pop song from 2009? You know, before that Ryan Gosling movie came out and my ballroom studio got so crowded that not stepping on others’ toes stopped being an option? Now that I think of it: how DID those lyrics go? Come on, it was only nine years ago - don’t make me feel old here. “Some may say I need to be afraid...Of losing everything. Because of where I had my start…” It’s all coming back to me - elementary school dances included. “In a La-La Land MACHIIINEEE…” I should start a Youtube channel of my covers. How much does a microphone cost? I sound as good as I did in the shower, right? This is all very realistic, don’t worry. The only thing happening in your wildest dreams is people genuinely giving you their full attention.
We’ll Head to Court
What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed? A jury. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a Bar association convention? Probably the caterer. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? Okay, we’re going to stop. At least, with the horrific humour (and hopefully not ruining my chances of getting into law school.) We dare not let the attorney inside us all let down his guard for even a moment. Somehow end up in a political debate on a Thursday night? I’ll make a killer case with my Google News article worth of knowledge. Store not letting you return something? Maybe you’re already pulling up the store policy on your phone and asking to speak to the manager. Someone has an issue with you piercing your belly button? You’re prepared for this. “But MOM……” If only my motivation to study Damages lasted longer than my tripping over that “Wet Floor” sign. Oh, and by the way, a hooker stops screwing with you when you’re dead.
We’ll Encounter Some Train Traffic
Uh-oh. Despite my best attempts to stall by discussing two weeks’ worth of my Twitter feed, it seems you actually ARE about to bring up The Thing. For all you know, I’m writing this while stuck on a motionless subway because of “train traffic ahead of us.” But, if you’re going to try to bring up that deadline I missed, I’m going to manufacture a little transportation malfunction to make sure we get delayed. Get ready for something bigger than the 2013 Metro-North incident, because I’m about to derail this conversation. Hey - at least I’m not on autopilot. What now? My late article? Oh, speaking of articles - do you know if it’s grammatically correct to use articles when generalizing about uncountable nouns, or plural countable nouns? Slickness (no article needed, by the way,) is a great skill. And, unlike train engineers, I’ve got a lot less liability to worry about.
We’ll Face our Fears and Continue our Adventure
What are you afraid of? Heights? The dark? Your boss? Cockroaches crawling out from underneath your West Elm couch? Forgetting to clear your search history? Maybe you have an odd fear being sold Decaf coffee or of having your ponytail get stuck in closing subway doors? (Don’t ask) You know what I’m even more afraid of? Huh? This. Silence. The thought of a two second pause in this conversation has me quaking in my booties more than imagining being turned to stone by the glare of an angry Babushka. Please keep talking about your favourite grocery store for as long as possible. Still, I need a backup plan. What did I do last weekend? Did I ask you about your boyfriend yet? What’s the last fun fact I read on the back of a Snapple cap? Something about shrimps’ hearts being in their heads? Do I know any knock-knock knock jokes that could possibly be entertaining to someone over the age of 5? Worst case scenario, I’ll jump into that story about the bus from that trip I took that time. Oh!
“Hey, have you heard about the romantic tomato?”
“He loves me from my head to-ma-toes!”
I..I’ll see myself out now. I probably couldn’t have given you advice about your investment portfolio anyway. At least I broke the silence. Phew.
We’ll Take A Stroll Down Broadway
Or, maybe I’m off strolling down the Great White Way. Shockingly, we’re not referring to the pastel-shorts section in Vineyard Vines here - nor the aisle in Whole Foods that sells carb-free carbs and vegan california rolls. Instead, put down your kale cookie and think of the gleam you saw in the eyes of that theatre kid in middle school as he described his future part in Jersey Boys as he stood in the hallway, waiting to audition for Twelve Angry Men. Or perhaps, think back to your coworker, repeating the same goddamn passage from Othello for the eighty-seventh time as she paced up and down the break room. I may not know a single song from Hamilton, but maybe theatre is all I’m doing anyway. I’m rehearsing. Looking attentively at you, focused only on frantically preparing my response. Hey! Remember that awesome time when we listened to understand, and not to react? Dude, me neither. I’m smiling, nodding, and taking a mental walk down the Broadway of Boredom. You want my opinion on what now? Sorry. At least I have the PERFECT comeback to that thing you said twenty minutes ago.
Pause to Play A Board Game
Anyone want to play a game of Monopoly? Okay, that was a long shot. Me neither. I don’t really have five hours of free time right now or a few friendships I don’t mind destroying - nor do I have the patience to reorganize and colour-code a couple hundred fake bills that are somehow in a greater mess than your little brother’s bedroom. But I’m still definitely up for monopolizing - and I’m not even talking about starting a great American steel company or making the new Uber. Who needs a business degree when I can monopolize this conversation? Maybe someone in high school told me had a knack for finance, but I sure hope my mastery of conversational narcissism shows off my understanding of economics. Your sister’s in the hospital? Oh, let me tell you about the time I had a concussion in third grade - I probably could have died, maybe. No no no, let me finish. I swear I care- I just have a commercial agenda here. I’ve asked you about your day, noticed your shoes, and commented on the weather- I’d like to pass go, collect my $200 and skip to my own choice of topic please.
And Finish Off Somewhere Sweet For Dessert
Have you ever played Candy Land? Let’s revisit the scary side-part days of fourth grade for a minute (Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand if you’re afraid to go back there. We all know Freeze Tag gets rough.) As far as I remember, in Candy Land, you spend a solid 20 minutes fighting over who gets to be which colour gingerbread man. Then, when it’s finally your turn, you pick a card has some sort of colour-coding on it, and move forward the appropriate number of spaces along a path of cookies, hoping to land on a shortcut and avoid various confectionary monsters along the way. You see, as a Mature Grown Up, my planner is a collection of colour-coded post-its, each of which represents a task with some level of priority that’s supposed to help me move forward to...wherever it is that I’m going. I think Red means “This Was Due Yesterday.” If I manage to deal with most of the cards that I choose, I avoid the chocolate-free monster that is my angry boss. Most of the shortcuts are misleading. I hated playing Candy Land as a kid, but I’ve got an endless trip through To-Do List Land going on in my mind. You might be rattling off your favourite Fro-Yo shops, but I’m running through my plans for the day and trying to figure out if I remembered to do the laundry. I’m totally listening. I’m totally working. It counts as multitasking if I’m simultaneously failing at doing both, right?
We live in a world where it shouldn’t be hard to identify someone’s location. It’s 9AM, and I know where all of my friends are. By opening some apps, anyone can know when I’m saying bad words on a delayed train. You know when I’m going to Yoga, and when I’m procrastinating and pretending that I might skip a day. You’ll know if I make the huge mistake of deciding walking through Times Square won’t be THAT bad. You’ll even know when I run out of tea at 3 AM and head over to my trusty 24-hour bodega. Our friends can be miles away, and yet we can pinpoint their location down to a street corner. But, if we can’t anchor our wandering minds for just a few minutes and take the time to listen, we can be left wondering if the person sitting across the table from us is even present. Amazing technological progress may be happening in the world of hearing aids, but no-one is as deaf as the person who has forgotten how to listen.
